March 1, 2020
Benny Gantz and Bernie Sanders
Let's say a bigtime Hollywood producer asked me to write a screenplay which supposes the following — Benny Gantz has become Prime Minister of Israel and Bernie Sanders has become President of the United States.
Let's get to it by understanding that something extraordinary has happened. In both countries, voters got tired of winning, under Trump and Bibi, and decided to turn Left.
(A worst-case scenario not so farfetched, after all.)
Pull back to reveal Benny Gantz arriving at the White House with his ministers. Bernie steps out.
There is no Hail to the Chief and, on Bernie's orders and Benny's assent, no national anthems, now or evermore — so that no one gets offended.
Go wide and close in on the White House to reveal no American flags and no portraits of past presidents, except of Lenin, Castro and Che Guevara.
Zoom in at the Summit Table:
Bernie: I see you brought your Cabinet with you. Why are they mostly white people? That's racist.
Benny: Not so. Nearly half are Arabs. I'm big on diversity. The more Arabs, the merrier. They put me over the top. Take a close look at Ahmed over there. He's not white.
Bernie: But is he transgender?
Benny: I would hope so.
Bernie: Diversity is our strength.
Benny: Precisely, and for that reason we have erased and deleted the word "Jewish" from our Nationality Law.
Read this again to be believed.
Bernie: Will Hatikvah also be outlawed?
Benny: Already is.
Bernie. You promised, you delivered.
Benny: Thank you, and you see we are moving fast to expunge all references to Israel as home to the Zionist Vision. Kaput that.
Bernie: Excellent, and to think the Jews nearly got away with it — Israel, home at last. Until you came along.
Benny: Thanks to the voters, don't forget.
Bernie: The land of their Fathers. The good earth of their Heritage. Such nonsense. So naturally I'm pulling the Embassy out of Jerusalem. End of story.
Benny: Understood. So it goes back to Tel Aviv. No problem.
Bernie: No. I'm thinking the Jerusalem district at Abu Dis.
Benny: Good choice. But that would only be when the Palestinian Arabs get their own state, which I am completely in favor of, as you know. Totally.
Bernie: As totally as Ehud Olmert? Olmert wants to give up everything — Jerusalem, 'West Bank', the nation, entirely. You can keep Dizengoff Square. I like his plan, don't you?
Benny: I campaigned on a bold new approach, as you know.
Bernie: So did I, and 80 percent of American Jews who went to the polls voted for me.
Both leaders fist pump and fall to peals of laughter.
Benny (still laughing uncontrollably): They'll be thrilled by the Socialism that's coming.
Bernie: From you, Benny, I'll need results that you'll do everything to meet Mahmoud Abbas' demands. My party, the Democrats, insist on making Abbas a happy man.
Benny: Believe me, nothing is more important to us except that Mahmoud Abbas gets to sleep well at night.
Bernie: Are you introducing literacy programs to the people, as my comrade Fidel Castro did in Cuba?
Benny: Literacy has never been a Jewish problem. Some of us are even too smart. That's why the vote was so close.
Bernie: I meant bringing literacy to the Arab territories.
Benny: We tried. We sent teachers into Gaza.
Bernie: Were you in favor of Gush Katif — removing all those capitalistic Israelis in Gaza in favor of the peace-loving proletariat Arabs?
Benny: As I have said — it is a model for how my two-state solution is to be done. We are good at destroying Jewish homes, and there is always more work to be done.
Bernie: I assume your Gaza literacy program went well.
Benny: Not quite.
Bernie: How so?
Benny: Our teachers were murdered.
Bernie: That's terrible.
Bernie: I mean it's Israel's FAULT for occupying their land.
Benny: We are going to fix that by splitting the land in half — half Jewish, half Palestinian Arab — and there is no doubt in my mind that we will get along swimmingly.
Bernie: I like you, Benny. We think the same. Bibi was impossible.
Benny: A real flag-waver.
Bernie: For the Jewish people. Hah.
Benny: Imagine that.
Bernie: Just like Trump was for Americans.
Benny: Got rid of them just in time.
Bernie: That's right. Now we can each say — this land is MY land; go ahead, try to stop me.